I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.
If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.
It’s very dangerous to wave to people you don’t know because what if they don’t have hands? They’ll think you’re cocky.
Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?
If my kid couldn’t draw I’d make sure that my kitchen magnets didn’t work.
If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn’t type any slower.
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re goin’, and hook up with them later.
I’m gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones.
I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.
It’s weird… people say they’re not like apes. Now how do you explain football then?
I’d like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart.
Spaghetti… I can’t eat spaghetti, there’s too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1000 of something is too many. I’ll have 1000 pieces of noodles.
I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That’s like a free compliment and you don’t even gotta be smart to notice it.
I wish I could play little league now. I’d be way better than before.
I’m a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone’s life.
My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don’t really know what’s happening down there. Who is the real hero?
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said ‘No, but I want a regular banana later, so… yeah.’
My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She’s an actress, she just never gets called to the set.
Rice is great if you’re really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall.
This shirt is dry clean only. Which means… it’s dirty.
Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.
When someone hands you a flyer, it’s like they’re saying here you throw this away.
Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain’t funny!
Y’know, you can’t please all the people all the time… and last night, all those people were at my show.
You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don’t want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.
I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.
I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I’m upside down.
People teach their dogs to sit; it’s a trick. I’ve been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.
Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I am the king of the pen.
I don’t have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who’d be mad at me for saying that.
I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, “You’re gonna have to move, you’re blocking a fire exit.” As though if there was a fire, I wasn’t gonna run. If you’re flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.
Bologna is a deli meat for people with eyes.
Dogs are forever in the push up postion.
Every book is a children’s book if the kid can read!
Every time I go and shave, I assume there’s someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, ‘I’m gonna go shave, too.’
Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.
A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.
I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.
I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn’t work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.
I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary.
An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.
I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.
I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You’ll be mad, but it will be too late.
I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that… day.
I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car’s headlights and tell you exactly which way it’s coming.
I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.
I remixed a remix, it was back to normal.
I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.
I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.
I love blackjack. But I’m not addicted to gambling. I’m addicted to sitting in a semi circle.
I like to play blackjack. I’m not addicted to gambling. I’m addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once.
I like refried beans. That’s why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they’re just as good and we’re just wasting time. You don’t have to fry them again after all.
I like Kit-Kat, unless I’m with four or more people.
I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn’t have one. So I got a cake.