Steven Wright quotes

Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.

My friend has a baby. I’m recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.

If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?

My neighbor has a circular driveway… he can’t get out.

If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?

It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is, it’s always room temperature.

Is it weird in here, or is it just me?

In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It’s in the apartment somewhere.

If you can’t hear me, it’s because I’m in parentheses.

So, do you live around here often?

If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?

If it’s a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

I’m writing an unauthorized autobiography.

I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done.

I wrote a few children’s books… not on purpose.

If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?

What’s another word for Thesaurus?

Babies don’t need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach… it pisses me off! I’ll go over to a little baby and say ‘What are you doing here? You haven’t worked a day in your life!’

At one point he decided enough was enough.

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.

You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?

Why don’t they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, “Did you sleep good?” I said “No, I made a few mistakes.”

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, “Well, what do you need?”

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child… eventually.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

When I die, I’m leaving my body to science fiction.

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

What a nice night for an evening.

There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.

The other day I… uh, no, that wasn’t me.

The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn’t happen.

It doesn’t make a difference what temperature a room is, it’s always room temperature.

Right now I’m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.

When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier… I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

I installed a skylight in my apartment… the people who live above me are furious!

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I’m gone.

I have the world’s largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world… perhaps you’ve seen it.

I have an existential map. It has ‘You are here’ written all over it.

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I’m home now. But leave a message and I’ll call when I’m out.

I had to stop driving my car for a while… the tires got dizzy.

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.

I got this powdered water – now I don’t know what to add.

I invented the cordless extension cord.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

I like to reminisce with people I don’t know.

I bought some instant water one time but I didn’t know what to add to it.

I bought some batteries, but they weren’t included.

How young can you die of old age?

Hermits have no peer pressure.

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, “What for?” I said, “I’m going to buy some sugar.”

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to have to paint it.

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

Don’t you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.

Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don’t get it.

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

I got a chain letter by fax. It’s very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.

I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.

I went to a restaurant that serves “breakfast at any time”. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

I went to a general store. They wouldn’t let me buy anything specifically.

I went to a general store but they wouldn’t let me buy anything specific.

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, ‘Hey, the sign says you’re open 24 hours.’ He said, ‘Yes, but not in a row.’

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn’t have to go so fast.

I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn’t park anywhere near the place.

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

I think God’s going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.

George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge… you can’t hear him talk.

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.

I saw a bank that said “24 Hour Banking,” but I don’t have that much time.

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I’m the only one moving.

I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing ‘Happy Birthday.’

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.

I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.

I met this wonderful girl at Macy’s. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.

I live on a one-way street that’s also a dead end. I’m not sure how I got there.

I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.