A collection of funny football related quotes

Football is a game that is loved all over the world, it creates many talking points for fans, pundits, players and managers.

This luckily for me provides ample examples of complete and utter drivel and rubbish and some of the most obscure comments and quotes you will see.

football pitch

So this article celebrates some of the utter crap that footballers and managers spew out – let the journey of nonsense begin.

FOOTBALL DRIVEL

 

“Unless the chairman decides to sack me, I won’t be quitting.”
Carlton Palmer

“Robbie Keane’s not the second choice, he’s my first choice. But Jermain Defoe is as well.”
Martin Jol

“Hopefully Andy Carroll has only tweeted his hamstring.”
Sam Allardyce

“What I said to them at half time would be unprintable on the radio.”
Gerry Francis

“You can’t say my team aren’t winners. They’ve proved that by finishing fourth, third and second in the past three seasons.”
Gerard Houllier

“We had enough chances to win the game. In fact we did win it.”
Alex Smith

“If you want change, you’ve got to stick with it.”
Terry Venables

“If we played like that every week, we wouldn’t be so inconsistent.”
Bryan Robson

“There are 0-0 draws and 0-0 draws, and this was a 0-0 draw.”
John Sillett

“That was a continuance of what we have seen most of the season – that is, various clubs beating each other.”
Ron Noades

“We had two shots saved off the line by the post.”
Craig Brown

“I don’t want to compare Bowditch to Matt Le Tissier, but the way he scored his goal was similar to Matt.”
Joe Royle

“If history is going to repeat itself I should think we can expect the same thing again.”
Terry Venables

“Some of their players are internationals; some play for their national team.”
Steve McClaren

“In terms of the Richter scale this defeat was a force 8 gale.”
John Lyall

“There was nothing wrong with the performance, apart from throwing away the game.”
Glenn Hoddle

“I was feeling as sick as the proverbial donkey.”
Mick McCarthy

“What I saw in Holland and Germany was that the majority of people are Dutch in Holland and German in Germany.”
Peter Taylor

“We must have had 99 per cent of the match. It was the other three per cent that cost us.”
Ruud Gullitt

“I’d never allow myself to let myself call myself a coward.”
Graham Taylor

“The Merseyside derby games are unique in the city.”
Brendan Rodgers

“Apart from their goals, Norway haven’t scored.”
Terry Venables

“I can count on the fingers of one hand ten games where we’ve caused our own downfall.”
Joe Kinnear

“The lad got over-excited when he saw the whites of the goalpost’s eyes.”
Steve Coppell

“I was a young lad when I was growing up.”
David O’Leary

“I just wonder what would have happened if the shirt had been on the other foot.”
Mike Walker

“I’m not a believer in luck, but I do believe you need it.”
Alan Ball

“And I honestly believe we can go all the way to Wembley – unless somebody knocks us out.”
Dave Bassett

“Without picking out anyone in particular. I thought Mark Wright was tremendous.”
Graeme Souness

“I don’t want to give Robbie Blake any praise, but he was superb.”
Steve Cotterill

“If it stays as it is I can’t see it altering.”
Graham Taylor

“As with every young player these days, Ronaldo is 18.”
Alex Ferguson

“Playing with wingers is more effective against European sides like Brazil than English sides like Wales.”
Ron Greenwood

“Today was about our lack of ability to not produce the ability we’ve got.”
Sam Allardyce

“Doncaster will hit Villa with fire and broomstick.”
John Gregory

“At this stage of the season I just tell the players to get points under their bags.”
George Graham

“He (Michael Owen) is a good goalscorer, not a natural born one – not yet. That takes time.”
Glenn Hoddle

“As one door closes, another one shuts.”
Howard Wilkinson

“I felt a lump in my throat as the ball went in.”
Terry Venables

“When you are 4-0 up you should never lose 7-1.”
Lawrie McMenemy

When you are 4-0 up you should never lose 7-1

“The lads really ran their socks into the ground.”
Alex Ferguson

 

 

FOOTBALL GOBBLEDYGOOK

 

“His return gives England another key to its bow.”
Stuart Pearce

“All that remains is for a few dots and commas to be crossed.”
Mitchell Thomas

“As positive as Arsenal were, I thought they were quite negative.”
Peter Reid

“If you need just a first eleven and four others, why did Columbus sail to India to discover America?”
Claudio Ranieri

“Michael Owen will get double figures this season – or at least 10, possibly more.”
Garth Crooks

“I think the next United manager is already at the club. It could be either Ryan Giggs or Ole Gunnar Solksjaer, who isn’t at the club.”
Mickey Gray

“The problem at Wimbledon seems to be that the club has suffered a loss of complacency.”
Joe Kinnear

“Lampard fired straight through the middle of a non-existent wall.”
Paul McKenna

“Everton have a healthy list of injuries.”
Michael Owen

“To be a good player in the Premiership you have to perform on the pitch, as it is everywhere.”
Kanu

“Tony Fernandes is in that goldfish bowl and he’s swimming against the tide.”
Niall Quinn

“The ball was coming down like a butterfly with sore feet.”
Jamie Redknapp

“Without being too harsh on David, he cost us the match.”
Ian Wright

“They didn’t change positions, they just moved the players around.”
Terry Venables

“Bolton have won just three of their last two games”.
Ian Abrahams

“We had already beaten them 4-0 and 7-0 earlier this season, so we knew we were in for a really tough game today.”
Barry Ferguson

“It’s 0-0 here. No goals.”
Adrian Chiles

“Michael Owen is irreplaceable, but Sven has Emile Heskey, James Beattie, Wayne Rooney and Darius Vassell and whoever he picks can do the job.”
David Platt

“Bristol Rovers were 4-0 up at half time, with four goals in the first half.”
Tony Adams

“Hodge scored for Forest after 22 seconds – totally against the run of play.”
Peter Lorenzo

“Manchester United are substituting Blomqvist for Giggs just to bring more legs into the game.”
Tony Gale

“He’s got a knock on his shin there, just above the knee.”
Frank Stapleton

“Footballers are no different from human beings.”
Graham Taylor

Footballers are no different from human beings

“Yes, he is not unused to playing in midfield, but at the same time he’s not used to playing there either.”
Emlyn Hughes

“We actually got the winner three minutes from the end but then they equalized.”
Ian McNail

“I want to win the Nobel Peace Prize – and I’m going to fight as hard as I can to make it happen.”
Ronaldo

“The underdogs will start favourites for this match.”
Craig Brown

“It would be foolish to believe that automatic promotion is automatic in any way whatsoever.”
Dave Bassett

“That was a inch perfect pass to no one.”
Ray Wilkins

“No regrets, none at all. My only regret is that we went out on penalties. That’s my only regret but no, no regrets.”
Mick McCarthy

“Mario Balotelli is like Marmite – you either love him or hate him. Me, I’m in between
Joe Royle

“At 6 foot 7 Peter Crouch isn’t as tall as he looks.”
Gabby Logan

“He’s not a lad that likes to stand on his feet.”
Chris Waddle

“Neil Baker is standing on the touchline with hands in tracksuit bottoms scratching his head.”
Graham McGarry

“We don’t have any problems, apart from the problems we have.”
Rafa Benitez

“This is the better one. It’s identical.”
Alan Shearer

“Liverpool have now really got to win two away – one in Barcelona, the other at home to Roma.”
Bob Wilson

“Bobby Robson must be thinking of throwing some fresh legs on.”
Kevin Keegan

“He just got his body between himself and the goal.”
Ray Clemence

“Keith Gillespie just lacks a little bit of inconsistency.”
Graeme Le Saux

“The 2,000 away fans will be unhappy. In fact half of them have gone, there’s only 500 left.”
Chris Waddle

“The possession stats at one point were 77% to 33%.”
Mick Quinn

“There’s only one place you want to be and that’s Wembley, Old Trafford or Anfield.”
Mick Channon

“He went in with his shuds stowing.”
Gary Neville

“The tackles are coming in thick and thin now.”
Alan Brazil

“I don’t want to be either partial or impartial.”
Frank McLintock

“Ramires is involved in everything he does.”
Graeme Le Saux

“Reading just had a great five-man move that involved everyone.”
Phil Thompson

“One thing about Germany – they’ll be organised, they’ll be big and they’ll be strong.”
Ally McCoist

“The game is in a neutral country for both teams.”
David Beckham

“Mirandinha will have more shots this afternoon than both sides put together.”
Malcolm Macdonald

“If Glenn Hoddle had been any other nationality, he would have had 70 or 80 caps for England.”
John Barnes

“I wouldn’t be surprised if this game went all the way to the finish.”
Ian St John

“The first half was end-to-end stuff. In contrast, in this second half it’s been one end to the other.”
Lou Macari

“If Arsenal don’t finish third, they might not finish in third place.”
Alvin Martin

“When England go to Turkey there could be fatalities – or even worse, injuries.”
Phil Neal

“Shaun Wright-Phillips has got a big heart. It’s as big as him, which isn’t very big, but it’s bigger.”
Kevin Keegan

“Lampard picks his head up and knocks it out to the wing.”
Alan Shearer

“He is an interesting player – short back legs.”
David Pleat

“That’s twice he (Terry Phelan) has got between himself and the goal.”
Brian Marwood

“Celtic manager Davie Hay still has a fresh pair of legs up his sleeve.”
John Greig

“I don’t want Rooney to leave these shores but if he does, I think he’ll go abroad.”
Ian Wright

“They were numerically outnumbered.”
Garry Birtles

“The game is not over until it is.”
Dwight Yorke

“To be second with one game to go – you can’t ask for more.”
Stuart McCall

“Sometimes he does the brilliant things really well.”
Lee Sharpe

“Players prefer the FA Cup because it’s the end of season curtain-raiser.”
Peter Withe

“Great striking partnerships come in pairs.”
Nigel Spackman

“There was nothing wrong with his timing, he was just a bit late.”
Mark Bright

“If you gave Arsene Wenger eleven players and told him to pick his team, this would be it.”
Andy Gray

“Sometimes in football you have to score goals.”
Thierry Henry

“He has got his tactics wrong tactically.”
Mick Quinn

“He reminds me of a completely different version of Robbie Earle.”
Mark Lawrenson

“I always used to put my right boot on first, and then obviously my right sock.”
Barry Venison

“Fulham haven’t had a shot on target, which is probably why they aren’t in the goals.”
Tony Cottee

“Anyone who takes drugs should be hammered.”
Andy Gray

“I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel.”
Stuart Pearce

“All the cul-de-sacs are closed for Scotland.”
Joe Jordan

“There are rumours of fractions within the Palace dressing room.”
Shaun Derry

“Pardew has got previous for this kind of thing – but that was a one-off.”
David Speedie

“He’s carrying his left leg, which, to be honest, is his only leg.”
Steve Coppell

“Unfortunately, we keep kicking ourselves in the foot.”
Ray Wilkins

“You can see the relief on Falcao’s shoulders.”
Michael Gray

“Steve McManaman once described Zinedine Zidane as ridiculous. You can’t get a higher compliment than that.”
Jason McAteer

“If someone in the crowd spits at you, you have just got to swallow it.”
Gary Lineker

“Burton really couldn’t lose tonight – but they have.”
Ian Wright

“Manchester United could only beat Exeter 2-0 – and it was just 1-0 at one point.”
Alan Brazil

“He had defenders swarming around him like a wet blanket.”
Gerry Armstrong

“Steve Bruce is like a cat on hot tin bricks.”
Alvin Martin

“Arsenal are streets ahead of everyone in this league and Manchester United are up there with them.”
Craig Bellamy

“Stokes gets a straight yellow for that challenge.”
Ronnie Whelan

“Mark Hughes crossed every I and dotted every T.”
Robbie Savage

“The world is my lobster.”
Keith O’Neill

“It looks tough for Palace when you see some of the results they’ve got coming up.”
Shaun Derry

“He’s started anticipating what’s going to happen before it’s even happened.”
Graeme Le Saux

“That kind of ball is meat and two drink for the Palace defence.”
Denis Irwin

“I won’t name any names but I’ll name just one, David Dein.”
Niall Quinn

“Clint Dempsey scored a last-minute winner to earn Tottenham a 1-1 draw against United.”
Alan Brazil

“I think Southampton will finish above teams that are well below them.”
Paul Merson

“The Croatians don’t play well without the ball.”
Barry Venison

“Both sides have scored a couple of goals, and both sides have conceded a couple of goals.”
Peter Withe

“Bayern will have the added advantage of playing in their home stadium. That’s like a home game for them.”
Paul Elliott

“I was saying the other day, how often the most vulnerable area for goalies is between their legs.”
Andy Gray

“If you can get through the first round you have a good chance of getting into the next one.”
Nigel Worthington

“He’d score more goals if he was a better finisher.”
Dion Dublin

“Sheffield United are attacking their own fans.”
Matt Murray

“With 8 or 10 minutes to go, we were able to bring Nicky Butt back and give him 15 to 20 minutes.”
Niall Quinn

“And we all know that in football if you stand still you go backwards.”
Peter Reid

“He could have done one of three things. He didn’t do either.”
Gordon Strachan

“It seems that they’re playing with one leg tied together.
Kenny Sansom

“Pitches today are like snooker carpets.”
Mick Quinn

Pitches today are like snooker carpets
Pitches today are like snooker carpets

“Suarez will improve and he will get better.”
Jamie Redknapp

“I’ve been consistent in patches this season.”
Theo Walcott

“Last night we were the best team on the day.”
Roy Aitken

“Ji-Sung Park is probably not as young as he was when he arrived at Old Trafford all those years ago.”
Ray Houghton

“He’s been like a fresh of breath air.”
Roy Keane

“The thing about goalscorers is that they score goals.”
Tony Cottee

“It’s now much more 50-50 in favour of Everton.”
Iain Dowie

FOOTBALL NONSENSE

 

“Goals dictate how matches go.”
Paul Merson

“The new season will be all about scoring more goals than the opposition.”
Alvin Martin

“A win would be better than a draw.”
Denis Law

“The best thing for them to do (Ireland) is to stay at 0-0 until they score the goal.”
Martin O’Neill

“We (England) haven’t been scoring goals, but football’s not just about scoring goals. It’s about winning.”
Alan Shearer

“If Villa got another goal now it would change the scoreline completely.”
Tony Cottee

“We can beat anyone on our day – so long as we score.”
Alex Totten

“I think if they hadn’t scored, we might have got a better result.”
Howard Wilkinson

“Winning all the time is not necessarily good.”
John Toshack

“Most goals are scored between the posts.”
Jamie Redknapp

“I don’t blame individuals, I blame myself.”
Joe Royle

“I would not be bothered if we lost every game as long as we won the league.”
Mark Viduka

“The important thing is that he shook hands with us over the phone.”
Alan Ball

“Eighty per cent of teams who score first in matches go on to win them. But they may draw some – or occasionally lose.”
David Pleat

“Batistuta gets most of his goals with the ball”
Ian St John

“I can never predict my future because a big part of my future is already behind me.”
Guus Hiddink

“Bobby Gould thinks I’m trying to stab him in the back. In fact I’m right behind him.”
Stuart Pearson

“We actually got the winner three minutes from the end but then they equalized.”
Ian McNail

“I was disappointed to leave Spurs, but quite pleased that I did.”
Steve Perryman

“I’m as happy as I can be – but I have been happier.”
Ugo Ehiogu

“If you’re going to win the Premier League, you’re going to have to finish ahead of Chelsea and Manchester City.”
Graeme Souness

“And Arsenal now have plenty of time to dictate the last few seconds.”
Peter Jones

“That’s football, Mike, Northern Ireland have had several chances and haven’t scored but England have had no chances and scored twice.”
Trevor Brooking

“If you’re 0-0 down, there’s no one better to get you back on terms than Ian Wright.”
Robbie Earle

“We didn’t look like scoring, although we looked like we were going to get a goal.”
Alan Buckley

“Merseyside derbies usually last 90 minutes and I’m sure today’s won’t be any different.”
Trevor Brooking

“If there wasn’t such a thing as football we’d all be frustrated footballers.”
Mick Lyons

“Javier Chevanton don’t speak the language too good.”
Kevin Bond

“I’m not going to make it a target, but it’s something to aim for.”
Steve Coppell

“In football, if you don’t score a goal then you cannot win.”
Roberto Mancini

“As a striker, you are either in a purple patch or struggling. At the moment, I’m somewhere in between.”
Bob Taylor

“If you closed your eyes you couldn’t tell the difference between the two sides.”
Phil Brown

“I’ve only played for Watford, so I’m a one-man club.”
Lloyd Doyley

“You have got to miss them to score sometimes.”
Dave Bassett

“The more you lose, the more you don’t win.”
Alex McLeish

“He’d score more goals if he was a better finisher.”
Dion Dublin

“A game is not won until it is lost.”
David Pleat

“We were in an awkward position against Yugoslavia in that in order to win we needed to score more goals than they did.”
Jose Antonio Camacho

“No matter who our opponents are, or who we are playing against, we want to win the game.”
David Beckham

“I’m a firm believer that if the other side scores first, you have to score twice to win.”
Howard Wilkinson

“We lost because we didn’t win.”
Ronaldo